Every morning I write my morning pages. At least I try to. I’ll put up a poem I wrote about these morning pages,once I’ve finished writing this.

Well, today I started a brand new book. Each book lasts anywhere from 1 to 3 months, depending on how much I write. Anyway, I’m always inspired when I start a brand new, little, blue world of clean, lined pages! So here’s my first entry in the new book:

“A new book is always a refreshment! I shall start out writing in it ever so neatly, and then it will devolve into hurriedly scribbled notes over these pages. But, Lord, they are merely a record of my relationship with You, as You influence, either more or less…(the choice is mine…) my everyday life. More and more You ARE my daily , my momently, life. And I find myself simply astounded, lately, that anyone can live without this intimate relationship with You! Yet most of the world’s people do. Please help me to share You with others in a manner and with a life that pleases You and is effective in producing, by Your power, Your desired results for all the folks You love so dearly. I’m fully aware that anything good that happens via me is solely because of You IN me. How grateful I am for You!

I think I lose my general balance when dealing with the stuff within me that I assume are Your giftings – the arts, the writing, the music, etc…If they are from you, then I should think/hope they would put me and others IN rather than OFF balance! So whassup wi dis, God?

Prying deeper I see that it’s when I strive to juggle/balance the creative stuff with the household, garden, business duties, etc… that I struggle so, and lose balance. I’ve been doing this juggle struggle for donkey years.” (Island folks call a very long time “donkey years” because donkey ears are so long! 😉 “It’s time for me to stop the carousel and hop off! I was going to call it a merry-go-round, but it’s NOT merry. It’s a struggle! And here’s the Thing, God…the rub: I have this inner guilt that doing the creative stuff is selfish. So if I’m wrong, You need to convince me better than you have in the past. I’d love to banish that skull and crossbones forever!

Now…If there IS some truth to it, as I suspect there is, then please help me to keep it in YOUR perspective, which will allow productivity in all areas without guilt. It is said that the enemy of our souls sprinkles a little dusting of truth into his deceptions so that we’ll buy them. I think that is the case with this. Surely there have been and are plenty of prima donas who DO live largely self-centred lives…all about “my art, my songs, my books, my plays,etc…” My, my my!”

(That’s why I’d like to change the headings on this blog that my darling daughter-in-love thoughtfully created when she made this for me. But I don’t know how to change em yet! Un-techy me.)

But back to the self centred thing: “What these folks mostly talk about is themselves, whom they apparently deem to be extra fascinating. So I know there really IS this danger.”

(Even in my writing this to share with others, I think to myself, “Who do I think I am to believe anyone would be even mildly interested in reading what I have to say?!? Li’l ole everyday lady, me. How egotistical!” But the thing is, I have a nagging suspicion that there’s a remote possibility that it might somehow be useful to someone. So I’m doing it.)

“For me, personally, there is also the danger of becoming reclusive, which I already am, according to some. Yet I greedily love my time with You, Lord, and in the garden, and with my famiLea and upstairs creating! And… I detest housework! Okay, thank You, You are already answering my question!” (This, My Friends, is why I write these morning pages, as they are essentially pages of prayer. And prayer is a 2-way conversation with God. As God answers me in my heart, I write it down. Then I have an ongoing record of His faithfulness! So here’s what God revealed to me:)

“The REAL truth is that when I am consciously WITH You, I actually love whatEVER I’m doing and whomEVER I’m with! It all flows by YOUR Spirit. It’s when I allow my thoughts (the passing traffic of things to be done or things that didn’t or aren’t going the way I think they should go) to over-ride the flow of your leading Spirit that the balance is lost. It’s like two different worlds or languages of thinking and being. And when the balance is lost, I am (trust me) no fun to be around! I return to being just an aging person with a lot of stuff to do that I don’t feel like doing. Lord, please deliver me from THAT version of myself! That exasperated, tired, discouraged, water-treading, futility-bound selfy self. Get her outta here, please. Continue to fill and refill me with Your joy which You have promised me is my true strength! THANK You for your faithfulness in always speaking to me and leading me with Your still, small voice. Help me to hear you more clearly, more frequently and more obediently. In Your name I pray. Amen”

See how GOOD God is? He urges us to ask and we will receive. He says that we don’t HAVE because we don’t ask, or we ask with skewed intention. He says to ASK Him so that our joy will be FULL to overflowing. For me, the value of the morning pages is exactly what happened today. If you don’t journal, I highly recommend it, but with one caution. I would suggest that it not become a venting venue, but a praying one. Write out your thoughts. Clear the air in your head and heart. But as you do so, keep yourself open for God to comfort and counsel you with His peace and wisdom and love. And record what you experience as He reveals it to your heart. Otherwise, your pages will be all about you..whom you know all about anyway!

Love,

Clover